Week Nine - The Science of Tom

If yawl've ever wondered what there could possibly be left to spend wisely on, after that six-bedroom house is paid for, those three German-engineered Sports cars, including that Phantom Black Audi R8, with Oxygen Silver Side-blade, are all finally tucked nicely beside each other, and in the Order you want the too, German Shepard Keiser finally has that second floor to his dog-house, that he's been barking after for the last five months, and the Air-Guitar Shaped pool finally has the Swastika-laiden marble layed down, then look no further discerning dignitaries of leisurely life. The Church of Scientology is for you. For a reasonably substancial donation, you too, can take your very own place amongst the Feast of the Immortals, a selected gathering of only the finest, purest and most Obediently Character-worthy of Stand-up guys and gals. With a simple auditing, you will experience a Colonostomy like you've never experienced before, that will forever-more, leave you free, and uncorrupted of any harmful toxins, and emotional doubt you may have previously picked up in your former Spawn-infected, Fornicating life of Selfishness, and over-indulgence. This Cleansing of Soul & Mind will leave you born again into an entirely new state of Emotional Enlightenment and Self-Awarness, transforming your whole being into a new, and improved Pillar of Propriaty, and goodness. Selfless in your ways, you will now undertake a series of tasks to prove your continuing loyalty to the Jedi-Federation. For instance, keeping watch for infultrating elements seeking to destroy Davinia Province, maintaining strict boundary-lines between the Chief Ketchup and the Heinz Ketchup in the Cooler (I'm more of a Chief Brown Sauce man myself actually), and most importantly of all, always making sure your younger understudies have a trusty mop in their hands to clean up the mess, whenever you squirt over the Chunky Chips and out onto the floor below. Yes, the hartships you'll encounter shall seem great, but only for a while. For when that day of true immotality arrives, and heaven opens its Pearly Gates and tips down its hat, as you stand on that breath-taking mount in reciet, you and yours will forever-more enjoy the fullest of benifits, and continuing comfort of that six-bedroom, Ocean-view Veranda house and Air-Guitar pool, those German-engineered high-performance Sports Cars in the Garage, including the Phantom Black Audi, with Oxgen-Silver Side-Blade, and best of all Chunky Chips, with a lifetime supply of Chief Brown sauce in the fridge ready for topping. Mmmm....